Assignment 8 Lena Ilagan

Fears: The dark, heights, fire, blades, failure, spiders
Annoyances: Racism, elitism, classism, arrogant people, overly talkative people, picky eaters, xenophobia, generally anyone or any group who sees themselves and their opinion(s) as the be-all-end-all and that everyone else is an ignorant, unenlightened individual with their head in the sand.
Accomplishments: 2016 State Debate Champion in Policy Debate, Two-time State Qualifier
Confusions: Strong opinions, whatever god or gods or thing watching us, unreasonably cruel people
Sorrows: Lack of the following:
strength, achievements, adequacy, importance, intimidation, love life, priviledge, innovation, talent, etc.
Dreams: To obtain all of the above
Idiosyncrasies: Night owl, caffeine addict, sprinter in just about everything I do, enjoys surprises, changes in routine, can't wear socks or pants to bed, likes blankets, finds happiness in imagining success instead of going out and actually trying to succeed, eclectic in many aspects of life (music, food tastes, etc.)
Risks: Cliff-diving, joining the debate team
Beloved Possessions, Now and Then: Once I placed a highly sentimental value on objects found on my travels, whether it was a hotel key from that one time I went to Cincinnati, or a shell I once found at the beach. That was then, and now I cherish those warm fuzzy moments, the ones where you're with your friends and you realize just how much you all love and enjoy each other, the ones where you win something you've been working hard for, the ones where you see or hear a new joke or meme that makes you laugh so hard your abs feel sore the next morning, the ones where you hear that one song that just takes you to another place, those ones where you feel like a valued and special person. Those moments, to me, are better than any object you will ever buy or find.
Problems: Procrastination, self-doubt and/or imposter syndrome, laugh too much, mind moves too fast for my mouth

For someone who seems so happy and laugh-y all the time, I have sooooooooooo many doubts and internalized problems. As I said with my idiosyncrasies, I am a sprinter in almost every aspect of my life. In swimming, I am a natural sprinter. I just don't have the mental or physical stamina to go for several hundred meters without crying in my goggles and doubting my life and everything within it. That said, I am also a sprinter in my academic life. I am an absolutely awful procrastinator, and for someone who has a strong fear of failure and lack of anything, it's a bit ironic of how bad of a procrastinator I am.

But procrastination is the least of my problems; I also suffer from crippling amounts of self doubt and imposter syndrome. Every night I go to bed, I see my trophies and I want to throw them all away; I feel like I don't deserve any of them, and that I am just another ordinary child with ordinary opinions and ordinary skills, and that it will take just one blow for my fragile guise to crumble apart. Then, I will be stripped to my decaying core, and the wind will then scatter my mundane remains away to obscurity, like ashes, and I will cease to exist and all those who loved me will forget I ever existed.